Growing up I never really knew if I wanted kids of my own. I did have two younger brothers which forced me to have somewhat of a motherly role. But through high school I always said I didn't want any kids. Then I met my husband who already had kids. I figured that I would want them one day but I wasn't in a huge hurry. Besides, my husband had a vasectomy that needed to be reversed if we were ever going to consider it. Well the day came for his surgery, which was the first step in starting a family of our own. After about two years of "trying," we decided to seek medical help. We tried two IUI treatments then moved, which caused me to find a new doctor. My new doctor did exams and semen tests and decided that if we ever wanted any kids we would need to do IVF.
At about the same time we figured out the fertility stuff, I found out that I had RA. So what's the big deal? Well the meds that treat RA cannot be used if you are trying to get pregnant. So that meant that I would have to keep dealing with the pain and hope that my 50% chance of IVF working would in fact work. Then I would have to carry a baby for 40 weeks with hurting feet and knees, then I would have to tote a baby around with hurting hands and shoulders. Knowing that my dog is 10 pounds, and he was difficult to pick up, I knew that a baby was not a smart idea. My first thought was, "Not now." Maybe after I get the disease under control then we will try. But then I considered my step children. Trey would be out of the house and Kaylynn will be in high school. Do I really want to start all over? How will this affect them? What would the relationship be like between their new family members? I started feeling overwhelmed with the amount of pressure I felt to make a decision.
I found the best book "Battlefield of the Mind" and starting reading. It really helped bring so many things into perspective. While I was reading the book and working on the study guide, I started to feel this comforting peace with the idea that I may never be a mom to my own children. Then, when I would think about IVF and my disease, and I would get overwhelmed again! Slowly my eyes opened to my new reality.
Today, I can say with 100% certainty that God has a purpose for me. What was difficult to see was that he did give me two amazing kids to be their mother. He gave me a wonderful husband that needed a wife to share his life with. He also has brought so many blessing and opportunities into our lives as a family. It is still difficult at times, but knowing that I am an important part of my husbands life and my kids life gives me peace and fulfillment.
It is not easy being part of a mixed family. Over time I have come to consider our family to be a normal family with a husband and wife, mom and dad, kids and a dog. Sure we have our issues and we go through moments where we can't stand to be around one another, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
